


Baby, That Ain't Fare!

by MistyBeethoven



Series: "Yes, I Really Am This Pathetic!" or "How to Say I Love You With a Story" [107]
Category: Generation Um (2012)
Genre: Avoidant Personality Disorder, Dog Walker, Dogs, Driving, Emotionally Repressed, F/M, Falling In Love, Favors, Fear, Insecurity, Love, Love Stories, Musicals, New York, New York City, Overweight, Partly Schizoid character, Prostitution, Quests, Schnoxies, Self-Doubt, Self-Indulgent, Self-Insert, Song Lyrics, Songs, Taxis, Weight Issues, pimps
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 01:28:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29768625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistyBeethoven/pseuds/MistyBeethoven
Summary: John Wall, working now for his uncle whom runs a taxi company (and whom also saved him from Charles finding out he was pimping Violet and Mia out on the side under the other man's nose) is forced to drive a woman suffering from Avoidant Personality Disorder around New York City in order to find a rich woman's wayward Schnoxie.The two mismatched strangers, however, soon find themselves becoming attracted to one another. But both John's indifferent attitude towards love and life and Erin's insecurities and crippling shyness might prove their future even more lost than the dog.Written as a musical, this is what I like to call "Generation Hum"...
Relationships: John Wall & Charles, John Wall & Mia, John Wall & Violet, John Wall (Generation Um)/Me
Series: "Yes, I Really Am This Pathetic!" or "How to Say I Love You With a Story" [107]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1589944
Comments: 7
Kudos: 1





	1. PLEASANTRIES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dog named Tinky runs away, a woman named Erin searches for him and a man named John is forced to help her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the start of the promised musical...
> 
> This week, I try to regularly update the other existing ones while occasionally adding something new. I'm going to try to get back on track, but I'm kind of sad because, you know, I've almost made it through Keanu's filmography here!
> 
> I'm down to 7 characters now:
> 
> Derek "Brotherhood of Justice"
> 
> Henry "Henry's Crime"
> 
> Martin "Tune in Tomorrow"
> 
> Mick "Young Again"
> 
> Lucas "Siberia"
> 
> B "BRZRKR"
> 
> and
> 
> Crackers "Fast Food"
> 
> If anyone knows of any others, please let me know! :D <3

EXT. SCENE ONE. NEW YORK CITY. STREET. DAY.

An overweight girl, ERIN, appears walking a dog down the New York City street. She is dressed very casually and seems incredibly shy and within her own shell as people pass her on the street. The dog is a cute little Schnoxie, whom pulls her far heavier body without consideration or too much difficulty.

ERIN

Hold on Tinky!

Erin looks around nervously. An unkempt man pushes into her from one side while soon after a well dressed woman does the same from the other. Erin looks at them wounded as the crowd keeps pushing past her and Tinky runs ahead.

Erin starts singing "YOU DON'T LIKE ME, DO YOU?" as the situation continues.

ERIN (singing)

_You don't like me do you? I didn't think that you did,_

_You'd prefer, just as I do, that I'd just stay well hid,_

_Up in my apartment, instead of down on the street,_

_Up in my room, with no chances we'd meet,_

_The feeling is mutual, you see I'm too shy,_

_I'd rather stay by myself and let life pass me by,_

_I know you don't like me..._

PASSERBY #1 (singing, walking by)

_We just don't know you..._

ERIN (cont.)

_It's obvious to see..._

PASSERBY #2 (singing approaching)

_You'd find out that's not true..._

ERIN (cont.)

_But no need to feel guilty..._

PASSERBY #3 (coming in other directiom)

_What else can we do?_

ERIN (cont.)

_What is there to like anyway about me?_

PASSERBY #4 (bumping into her again)

_When you won't let us get to close to you?_

Tinky starts to bark at a passing poodle.

ERIN

Oh shit.

He starts to pull on the leash but Erin is successfully pulling him back...until another passerby bumps into her again, pushing her backwards and knocking the leash out of her hand.

ERIN

TINKY!

The dog goes running down the street after the poodle but a Joe's taxi cab scares it off by stopping abruptly by the side of the poodle's attractive, socialite owner.

INT: TAXI CAB. NEW YORK. DAY.

The driver, JOHN WALL, sits in the front seat checking out the poodle's owner.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET. DAY.

Tinky goes scurrying safely across the street and far away.

Erin watches the Schnoxie. She's about to run after him but the street is too crowded. She focuses on the taxi and moves towards it, hoping to hail it.

INT. TAXI CAB. NEW YORK. DAY

John watches the lady with the poodle walking out of eyesight and turns his attention back to the road, where he seizes his chance to drive speedily down the road, cutting between two cars.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET. DAY.

The taxi passes Erin without stopping, even though she is waving frantically to get its attention.

Erin places her arms down and looks after it sadly.

ERIN

Just like I thought...Invisible.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET. PHONEBOOTH. DAY

Erin stands talking into a phone.

ERIN:

Hello...Mrs. Van de Wonder...

INT. NEW YORK CITY PENTHOUSE. DAY.

An elderly woman, dressed to the nines in enough jewelry to look like she bought out Tiffany's, sits on a sofa surrounded by every minature dog breed imaginable. She is holding an antique phone to her ear and nibbling on a biscuit as she feeds a peke in her lap a doggy one.

MRS. VAN DE WONDER

Erin...speak up girl. You are far too timid! I can barely hear you!

EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET. PHONEBOOTH. DAY

Erin looks pained. She looks upward and then breathes in deeply.

ERIN (raises voice)

There's been a bit of a problem...

MRS. VAN DE WONDER (on other end)

With Tinky?

ERIN (cringes)

Yes...he got away.

INT. NEW YORK CITY PENTHOUSE. DAY.

MRS. VAN DE WONDER

Good gracious! My Tinky!

ERIN (other end)

Yes...

EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET. PHONEBOOTH. DAY

ERIN

He saw a French poodle and...

INT. NEW YORK CITY PENTHOUSE. DAY.

MRS. VAN DE WONDER

Damn dog...always did have a soft spot for Paris. He should know I'm saving what he's got for another Schnoxie.

ERIN (other end)

Is he chipped?

EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET. PHONEBOOTH. DAY

Erin on phone.

MRS VAN DE WONDER (other end)

And risk giving him cancer? What with all of those rays and waves around? Certainly not.

ERIN

But they don't...

INT. NEW YORK CITY PENTHOUSE. DAY.

MRS. VAN DE WONDER

Don't argue with me...I don't _pay_ you to argue nor do I care what _they_ say. You know I don't approve of that technological claptrap. It's why you can't carry one of those cell thingies...if you want to kill yourself fine, but leave my Tinky out of it!

EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET. PHONEBOOTH. DAY

ERIN

I know but it would sure help in finding him.

MRS. VAN DE WONDER (other end)

You'll find him, darling. Or else you are out of a job...it shouldn't be that hard...it's only New York City after all!

Erin looks around the crowded city street and looks absolutely terrified and bewildered.

MRS. VAN DE WONDER (other end, cont.)

Now get to work! Before I cancel your latest paycheck. Expect it to be docked severely as is.

Erin flinches as the phone is slammed down.

On the street, she tries to hail a few cabs to no avail. Strains of "YOU DON'T LIKE ME, DO YOU?" play.

Looking lost, she studies the street to see a sign in front of one building reading "JOE'S TAXI". Steeling hearself, Erin marches towards it.

EXT. JOE'S TAXI. NEW YORK CITY. DAY.

A taxi pulls up to the dispatch of Joe's taxi. John Wall steps out, indifferent and cool. He walks into the building.

INT. JOE'S TAXI. NEW YORK CITY. DAY.

The building is lightly populated with other drivers. John makes a few casual remarks to some of them and heads towards and office. He pauses, noticing Erin sitting in a chair outside of it. She won't look at him when he looks at her but whenever his back is turned she steals glances.

"PLEASANTRIES"

JOHN (singing to himself)

_Someone waiting to see the man?_

_Can I guess this woman's plan?_

_Another inspection?_

_Some kind of detection?_

_No she's just another New Yorker,_

_Kind of cute, though she might be a porker,_

_Still, not my type, so should I put in the effort?_

_Why bother when the encounter will prove to be short..._

_Pleasantries what to say?_

_Do you give the time of day?_

_Or should you simply walk away?_

_Walk through the door or choose to stay?_

_Why always the damn question of what to say?_

_Do I need to be that nice?_

_Will I even see her twice?_

_She's not looking at me, still so damn shy,_

_Maybe it's her own wall, so I'll just pass her by,_

_Should I heed the unspoken request?_

_Just go and see Joe, think it's all for the best?_

_Still her obliviousness, tempts me towards action,_

_A dare to say something just to see her reaction..._

_Pleasantries what to say?_

_Do you give the time of day?_

_Or should you simply walk away?_

_Walk through the door or choose to stay?_

_Why always the damn question of what to say?_

_No, I think I'll just skip it, it isn't worth the time,_

_Time is money's the saying and I can't spare the dime,_

_Got a bed to go home to and a life going nowhere,_

_Momentary connection's always worthwhile to spare,_

_I'll steal one more look, it's not worth the chance,_

_Missing an opportunity if she holds importance,_

(Erin is looking up and their eyes meet)

_Shit, she looked up for a second, right into my eyes,_

_I have no more choice, guess, I'll have to say..._

(speaking)

Hi.

ERIN (shyly)

Hi.

John smirks and then walks into the office.

INT. JOE'S OFFICE. JOE'S TAXI. NEW YORK CITY. DAY.

Joe, a man in his early sixties sits behind a cluttered desk. He is obviously a highly strung individual and a weary survivor of the city. He looks at John as the man enters.

JOHN

Hey. I finished taking the Mook to Jersey. Here.

(throws a large wad of money onto the other papers)

It's all there; every cent.

JOE

I believe you.

JOHN

I'm going home now. I've been up for twenty-four solid hours.

John turns to leave but only makes it as far as the door.

JOE

I got another fare for you.

JOHN (turns to look)

What?

JOE

The fat chick out there.

JOHN

Her?

JOE

Yeah.

John stops and thinks for a few seconds.

JOHN

She doesn't look like one of Charles...

JOE (interrupts, laughing)

She isn't

JOHN

So, why should I bother?

He turns to leave again.

JOE

Because she offered me five grand for you to drive her around the city looking for some lost mutt.

John considers this also.

JOHN

Offered _you_ and not me. So, no...

John Wall starts to leave again but his boss offers him an ultimatum in a song.

"THAT AIN'T FAIR"

JOE (singing)

_Wait, John Wall, don't go!_

_I think you owe your uncle Joe!_

_You gotta reap what you wanna sow,_

_Stop before I let *him* know..._

JOHN (singing)

_Wait a moment, this isn't fair..._

JOE (singing)

_You really think I honestly care?_

JOHN (singing)

_You could be so laissez faire?_

JOE (singing)

_You bet I could, truth laid bare,_

_Dumb fuck, you were skimming off the top,_

_Like some greedy, naive and crooked cop,_

_You thought you'd step in, take over shop,_

_Be grateful for me for making it stop,_

_I saved your life with my intervening..._

JOHN (singing)

_Sorry, Joe, I don't catch your meaning?_

JOE (singing)

_If not for me, to respect your mama's wishes,_

_You'd be swimming with the fishes_

_By taking the profits from those annoying bitches,_

_Sticking your finger in another cook's dishes,_

JOHN (singing)

_But Joey this ain't fair, to make me pay,_

_Collect your debt some other day,_

_I'm too fucking tired to look for a stray!_

_Better send the fat girl some other guy's way!_

JOE

(shakes head, singing)

_I can't spare another,_

_You're stuck with her brother,_

_Maybe you two will get used to each other,_

_Now get out of here 'fore I go call your mother._

JOHN

(singing, stomps to the door)

_This isn't fair to wreck a man's life,_

_If I'd wanted that bullshit I'd have gotten a wife,_

_Existence with misery already is rife,_

_Seems overkill to add even more strife._

_Damnit, oh fuck it, I've got my fair share!_

_I'm telling you, God, this simply ain't fair!_

John Wall slams the door shut ending the musical number.

INT. JOE'S TAXI. NEW YORK CITY. DAY.

John stares at Erin, whom is looking at him now fully.

JOHN

(embarrassed, knowing she heard everything)

Hi.

ERIN (coldly)

Hello.

JOHN

So...you hear all that?

Erin nods.

John runs a hand through his hair then sighs in frustration, not accepting the guilt and easily shaking it off.

JOHN

Come on

John leaves and Erin watches him go.

"YOU DON'T LIKE ME, DO YOU? REPRISE"

ERIN (singing)

_You don't like me do you? No, I didn't think that you would,_

_The moment I saw you, there was no reason you should,_

_Even if my heart was racing and I was hoping that you could,_

_I'm awkward and shy and you look too damn good,_

_Yes, I know you don't like me,_

_It's obvious to see,_

_But, hey, what's the rush, no need to go off quickly?_

_What is there to scare you 'bout someone like me?_

Erin frowns and goes off to follow her "chauffeur" for the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear Keanu;
> 
> This is for you; you repeatedly mention wanting to do a musical, and while this is nothing like you had in mind (other than the New York setting, romance and songs) it is still done completely with you in mind.
> 
> You and your musically inclined friends could work on the music to the lyrics contained herein, if you want. I'm not musically inclined. Well, I have a few tunes I've created but I'd rather you have a hand in the music here. 
> 
> It could be a little of us both then.
> 
>   
> Much love,  
> Erin  
> XO XO  
> :D <3


	2. ROAD RAGE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John Wall and Erin start looking for the dog, while John muses on the release found in road rage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter in NO WAY promotes road rage! It just gave itself over to the opportunity for another song.

EXT. JOE'S TAXI. NEW YORK. DAY.

John walks towards his taxi. Erin close behind him, catches up as he looks at his reflection in the side view mirror. She goes to slip into the passenger side when he stops her.

JOHN

No. What's your name?

ERIN

Erin.

JOHN

Erin, only my friends, or the privileged get to ride up front. You're just fare.

ERIN (sighing)

Don't I know it. What's your name?

JOHN

John. Like a million other men in the city.

They stare at one another until John slips in behind the wheel smoothly, halting the eye contact like quicksilver. Erin goes to the backseat and climbs in more clunkily.

INT. TAXI CAB. NEW YORK. DAY.

Erin is in the backseat and John sits lackadaisacally in the front. He busies himself casually and inconsequentially with the mirror and the glove compartment, obviously trying to take up time and making her squirm.

ERIN

You don't like me do you?

JOHN

"Like" is another thing you have to earn.

ERIN

Well as soon as we find Tinky this will be over, I guess.

John looks incredulously back over the front seat at her.

JOHN

Tinky? The dog's name is Tinky?

Erin nods.

John looks like looking for a dog called Tinky is just another one of life's injustices hurled his way. He puts his hands on the wheel.

EXT. OUTSIDE JOE'S TAXI. NEW YORK. DAY.

The cab begins to pull out onto the street and away from Joe's taxi.

INT. TAXI CAB. NEW YORK. DAY.

JOHN

Well let's go look for Tinky then. (under breath) Can't blame him for running away from that name.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY. DAY

Various shots of the cab going down the streets.

INT. TAXI CAB. NEW YORK. DAY.

Erin looking out window at street.

John is looking out windshield.

JOHN

So what does this dog look like?

ERIN

It's a Schnoxie: a dachshund, schnauzer mix. It's small and brown and black.

John laughs.

JOHN

I saw a dog like that just this morning with a leash and no person...

ERIN (shyly)

Well, usually I'm at the other end of it.

JOHN (ignores her)

Thought how irresponsible the owner must be.

Erin looks out window sadly.

JOHN (cont.)

So why isn't he chipped...or clipped for that matter. It looked like he wasn't from his tail end scurrying away.

ERIN

He belongs to this woman named Mrs. Van de Wonder. She collects small dogs and likes to then create _more_ small dogs from them.

(cut to John turning on the radio and flipping stations. A tune starts to play, something jazzy and he leaves it on)

ERIN (cont.)

She's afraid of technology. She lives up in a penthouse and thinks that will save her somehow from the different waves etc in the air...

JOHN

What about the satellites in orbit?

ERIN

I know. She thinks she's too in the middle for anything to get her.

JOHN (shakes head)

This city.

EXT. STREETS. NEW YORK. DAY.

A car cuts in front of the taxi.

INT. TAXI CAB. NEW YORK. DAY.

John slams his fist down, honking the horn loudly.

JOHN (shouting, uncharacteristically loudly)

STUPID MOTHER FUCKER!

Erin flinches in the backseat.

John catches a glimpse of her in the dashboard mirror as the song changes into an instrumental, with a funky bass vibe.

Their subsequent discussion is caught through the rear view mirror.

JOHN

You don't like that?

Erin

I...No...

JOHN (semi confrontational)

Why? It's a good way to let off steam...What else is there to do in New York City when you get behind a wheel? Especially with all the assholes. You should try it...then you wouldn't be so timid.

ERIN

I don't drive.

JOHN (laughs wryly)

Figures. Anything else you _don't_ do? Have you ever been taken for a ride, Erin? In any sense of the term?

Erin's eyes look down in the mirror.

Medium shot from the angle of off the passenger side floor of John Wall as he turns up the music. He eventually begins to sing to it in a spoken verse sort of way, like a gravelly modern day beatnik:

"ROAD RAGE"

JOHN (singing)

_Road rage_   
_Stuck in a cage_   
_Never beat the system, get out of your rut,_   
_Life ain't a blessing, it's a worm in your gut_   
_Gotta know sister, best to get it out somehow,_   
_And why wait till tomorrow when you have here right now?_

John cuts into a lane and there is a loud blast of honking horns.

Driver #1  
Hey, up yours brother!

JOHN (shouting out window)  
Go fuck your mother!

  
_Why love your neighbour? Better to mow 'em on down,_   
_One less rotten apple in this stinkin' old town,_   
_New York will sprout another, more likely than not,_   
_So no need to feel guilty every one gets their shot,_

_Get behind the wheel, put them in their place,_

_Don't blame yourself If they can't win the rat race,_

Someone veers too close to the taxi and causes John to swerve

JOHN  
Fuck you!

DRIVER #2  
Will do!

  
JOHN (snickers)

_Road rage_   
_Stuck in a cage_   
_Never beat the system, get out of your rut,_   
_Life ain't a blessing, it's a worm in your gut_   
_Gotta know sister, best to get it out somehow,_   
_And why wait till tomorrow when you have right now?_

  
_The street is the place where you can let it all out,_   
_All your frustration, all of your doubt,_   
_Get yourself some wheels and free all the wrath,_   
_The city's your vent and the streets are your path,_   
_Need no more therapy, road rage is salvation_   
_Obscenities you'll find the only worthwhile conversation_

_Road rage  
Stuck in a cage  
Never beat the system, get out of your rut,  
Life ain't a blessing, it's a worm in your gut  
Gotta know sister, best to get it out somehow,  
And why wait till tomorrow when you have right now?_

John turns down the music ending the song.

JOHN (speaking)

Obscenities are the only worthwhile conversation for this generation...

ERIN

My father was like that. He'd...he was always getting angry. If you said something he didn't like he's swear or shout...when my mom accidentally burned food when we would use too many sheets of toilet paper...he'd raise his voice and start shouting. Maybe that's why I'm so quiet...I knew I could never be louder than he was.

Cut to John Wall in the rear view mirror, looking at Erin. His eyes are unreadable.

John turns off the radio entirely, making the cab as quiet as his passenger.

EXT. STREETS. NEW YORK CITY. DAY.

A car cuts the cab off again.

INT. TAXI CAB. NEW YORK. DAY.

John goes to shout or curse but stops himself, glancing at Erin in the mirror again. He keeps his mouth shut and continues to drive down the road.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear Keanu;
> 
> I really wish you could help me with this, to work on the music and the beats and everything. You're a musician (now, don't you argue with me on that) and I am not.
> 
> I've been listening to Manfred Mann's version of Springsteen's "Blinded by the Light" and I'm amazed by something like that. The original is so sparse and yet they took it and filled it out, making it so beautiful. How do musicians do that? Know where to place certain instruments/sounds etc? That amazes me.
> 
> Referencing Springsteen, today is my birthday and it has been a year since I posted "I Wish that I Could be Your Wine". I can't believe a whole year has passed. 
> 
> Yet that title still holds true.
> 
> I still wish that I could be your wine, Keanu Reeves. 
> 
> Much love,  
> Erin  
> XO XO  
> :D <3


End file.
